Article by: Tom Lane

I have a dear friend Rick who is without a doubt the most gracious and tactful man I know. I could say something and clear a room, he'll say the same thing and earn a friend. It's a gift. It's also something he chooses. I realize from years of knowing him that he always opts first to be the gentlemen, the servant, the last, and the nicest no matter what the deal is. I watch in utter amazement as he glides through tough situations or handles hard cases with grace and tact. More than any other he has challenged me to let go of my way or my need and see the greater picture.

More feelings are hurt and relationships marred by poorly handled moments. Nothing has helped me more as a musician than learning to consider first how important my contribution really is before blurting it out, even still I don't always do it!

Since a band is comprised of a group of uniquely different people, how you relate may well determine how long you or the band lasts. There are those you want to be around and those you don't, which one are you? Wherever you land here are some helpful tips.

1. Know your own tendencies and weaknesses and counteract them with opposite actions: In my case it's easy to lead or take charge when needed but it's not always best or my place. So I ask first whose place is it? I may reframe my suggestions as ?'s to the one in charge, or I relieve myself from taking the role that isn't mine anyway and chill out, go for a coffee! Even if what I know could help it's often better unsaid and only complicates.

2. Choose to be encouraging not discouraging: It absolutely never hurts! Being a southern boy I know that "Bless his/her heart" means look out somebody's in for a beating! Cloaking truth isn't helpful but criticism isn't either when spoken wrongly. Even if another is not up to par musically or is hard to get along with be a friend first and encourage the positives you see which usually earns the right to be truthful later in a better context.

3. Govern your emotions and feelings: We can take things so personally that many times aren't meant for us period. If a mis-guided word or even truth comes your way, decide ahead of time it's not gonna rock your world or shut you down. If we're always threatened by it we make it hard on those around us to ever know what to say or do!

4. Recognize and avoid controlling: Being a songwriter and living in Nashville where co-writing is a normal thing has helped me be more open handed with my ideas. For many the natural inclination is always to steer something the way they see it needs to go or be. But in a band there are other important voices to consider which add to the overall result and we either learn to value them or make them feel de-valued. We can be who we are without imposing!

5. Use fewer words: I'm a talker! (No AMENS! please) I'll go around the trees and through the woods in effort to have you fully understand me. Note; the deer in the headlight stare is a good sign it's time to ZIP IT! I am better now at being my own editor. In confrontation-the more you say sometimes the worse it becomes. In live/worship situations time is of the essence so less is more.

What's great about my friend Rick is that everybody loves him, wants to work with him, play music with him and he makes everyone around him feel important. Being tactful and erring on the side of grace will help us all, especially in worship where it's not about us anyway.