By: Tom Lane

In seminars and conferences around the world I hear from leaders and band members many of the same ?'s regarding how to deal with conflicts. So I thought I'd spend some lines on the subject.

One thing that should set Christian musicians apart from the rest is how they handle conflict and the attitude they have in general. In past articles I've spoken of how we need to approach all of life and our music as servants-that's what caused Jesus to stand out. If you want to stand out learn how to manage conflicts well! In worship it's not that we can't be human with all our stuff but the bar is higher for those who strive to reflect a humble and Christlike spirit!

What do you do if...
there's a weak player in the band?
Fire them! No, actually someone make it their personal aim to help them improve and make constructive suggestions in private! If they are in fact a real hinderance or totally incapable of keeping up with the band, the leader should pull them aside privately and speak open and honestly about their weaknesses. Make every possible effort to grow them or direct them to private instruction with a goal to include them later on. You may also want to start a farm team or B team to mentor younger players. Offer alternatives and relationship in a positive and helpful way and don't talk behind their backs or be rude!

there's a performer personality?
We all bring our stuff with us into a band scenario and platform. The good news is that God is aware of it and lovingly deals with us. We aren't heart police but can help encourage those who love the moments in the limelight or in the lead. Whatever you do don't bash them! If you you see something that would help them or have advice to give be sure you've prayed and that it comes from a healthy loving place. Then go to them personally and don't take two or three to back you up! As a rule with relational and character issues don't discuss it with others before you go to the person. Always ask how you'd like to be treated!

one member shows up late consistently for rehearsals and arrives just in time to play for the service?
Dock their pay! You mean you're getting paid? That would be one way to expect more from band members and get it but most are not paid in churches! That's a whole other article!! Again commitment to the team is important but you have to build your program based on what the reality is for the entire band. FInd the happy medium for schedules, jobs, families, etc. Make clear what expectations are. For leaders that does mean considering and including your band in the process. If members then fail to adhere to requirements and schedules, remind them that everyone agreed when they signed on and it's unfair for some and not all to be faithful. It is an issue of priorities, responsibility, and ultimately character no matter what! It may also take only one band member expressing their frustration and feelings of unfairness or inconsideration with that person to shape them up a bit. There are extenuating circumstances and certainly the worship team isn't more important than family or spouses! Weigh all of your priorities, count the cost before you commit, and be people of your word!

one band member dominates and controls or has a contagiously bad attitude??
There's a new one-give that one a spanking!! It happens and more than it should that one becomes the self appointed critic, judge, opinion, leader, etc... Let's start with this, if you do have a leader then you are responsible to submit to them as unto God and give your best. One thing is certain, the dominating personality can dictate and drive the entire situation and cause more division and frustration among your team if you allow them to. Here again if it's problematic the leader should take initiative one on one to correct that person and be willing to part ways if they don't change their behavior, even if they are the best thing since sliced bread on their instrument! Don't procrastinate whatever you do, deal with it-but lovingly!!

your leader doesn't allow you much freedom?
That's a tough one! There's always the issue of having to follow and support when you don't like it, that's life. There is a way however for leaders and band members to work together that makes for the best and happiest situations. You first have to choose whether or not you can support your leader. If you can't, find somewhere else to give your talents. If you can don't complain and gripe about those things you don't like! Learn, listen and view this as an opportunity for you to serve and grow. There will be other opportunities for you to lead or express your freedom. Having said that, leaders it's not a bad idea to let your band participate and flow naturally as bands can do! Build on that, discuss ideas, consider their opinions. Try going in different directions and leaving space for exploration in worship. Defer at times to the talents you share the platform with and practice that exploration and feedom in your rehearsals. The more each person feels valued and included the better they will play and serve and the more freedom there will be.

your leader's style is dated or the music selection is boring?
Bring your ideas and suggestions to your leader and see if they're responsive and open to help or improvement. Sometimes they are not the most gifted but maybe the most willing! Honor them, let them know you do support them and want for their best. Have listening parties with your team and discuss what everyone likes and bring musical selections, CD's, music, new songs, etc. to try. You always play better when you like the material and style. Find the common ground and be flexible. A good leader knows their own limitations and surrounds themselves with those who improve them and are in many cases better. That brings up the issue of humility again, it's hard for some! In some cases they are the way they are and unwilling to change or just don't know how. You can't always have the most ideal or desirous situation, know your role and be willing to play your part no matter what with a good attitude!

your leader isn't prepared or disciplined and it costs you time and frustration?
Don't mess with him, he's God's anointed! Well even the anointed need work! First of all, we all lead someone and something in our lives and will grow in those skills mainly when given opportunities to rub elbows with others. That gets messy! We will continuously have to step up to the plate in areas of discipine, communication, and preparation. It is common sense that the leader be able to provide leadership for the band. It's not the hard and fast rule but it sure makes it easier if you have your songs, charts, reference CD's etc. ready for your team. Everything goes better, faster and then you're not pawning off your responsibility by neglect or laziness. Sometimes it will take you as members sharing truthfully with your leader how important the opportunity and your time are. It's about mutual respect and consideration for both the leader and the team. Once schedules and commitments are made hold each other accountable, even the anointed!!! Say something, don't brew on it till you blow up one night! Leaders don't make excuses and do your best to lead by example!

you have a personal conflict with a bandmate or leader?

The word is a standard even for rock and roll worship bands! Do all things in unity, without grumbling or disputes, speak truthfully in love... Always go right to the source of a problem and don't turn it into family affair! More problems and strife could be avoided if we did that and truly treated others the way we'd want to be treated. The tongue is a fire so be careful not talk too much! Do the responsible albeit difficult thing and confront your conflicts-just leave your anger and attitudes at home! There is a way and it's the High way, choose that way!

you have to dismiss a bandmember?
Take them to Starbucks first! Coffee covers a multitude of hardships! (1 Tom 1:3) Well it happens and it's' no fun. Honesty is a must, kindness and love really help but at some point you have to break the news that it's not working. Offer helpful suggestions and be truthful about the reasons. Build them up as far as you can yet be clear and use fewer words. Don't be confusing or contradicting. Don't use other peoples words as support or ammunition against them- keep it first person! Do your best to maintain good relationship. If they do run off in a huff be sure you've done all you can to be right, Godly, loving and holy in your dealings with them. If it's not a long term dismissal, specify a rest period to evaluate or work on issues, skills, etc.

you have to choose one player over another?
Do so carefully and don't burn the bridge with the other player. Find other ways to include them, or sub them in sometimes, rotate. As a leader you cannot please and include everyone. Just do your best in your situation and aim to win friends! It's also good to avoid having posts which are so carefully guarded or cause competition among your team. Build a team mentality where everyone roots for the other players and supports the whole, that's part of leading and good leadership!

you're in the band and overworked?
I think it's good period to take seasons of rest from the platform where you just engage in worship. The problems are that you may fear losing your spot or not being called. If you can't serve in whatever capacity with your priorities and life in tact it will only lead to bigger issues or burnout! Trust God to work inspite of others expectations, take breaks, and clearly communicate with your leader the reasons. You alone are responsible for what God leads you to do, all others must respect that and deal with it. Just be sure to honor your commitments and your word. Be careful not to over commit yourself or allow yourself to be abused or used by an over zealous or super passionate leader. Better you keep healthy and determine your own boundaries at the start!

your leader is a contoller?
Here again YOU have the choice who you are going to submit to! Good leaders evoke followers without having to control. In my opinion controllers squelch the life of a team. I think we need more faithful frinedships which will confront and exhort in love. But it can often mean a parting of ways which prevents many from dealing with it. The leadership giftings in the church are meant to serve and build up not lord over and control. I don't believe we should just accept controlling behavior but the way you confront it is very important! Forming a posse against them is not the right way! You may also have to go to the primary leader of your church if they don't see it or refuse to deal with it but I encourage first going to the person and being honest. Pray for your leader! Ask God to give you a real heart for them. Know what the word says about leadership and hold one another accountable to it. That is our standard, anythingelse or less is not of God!! Do whatever you do in humility and love! Leaders I greatly encourage you to ask God to reveal any control in you and be willing to face it if it's an issue. See it not just as you've got a problem, but you're a target for that spirit and it has been a primary tool to hinder leaders throughout Church history.

I'll leave you with this, some of the best advice I have heard:
(Philippians 2:3-5)

"Do Nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

Article Reprinted with Permission From: Worship Musician Magazine, Jan/Feb '05